It’s another day of struggling. Ruminating thoughts of doom are playing on repeat. When will it end? The future is getting dimmer by the minute. Thank God we are still getting by. Our sanity is hanging by the thread. Where are we getting next months payment for our rent? As our debts keep piling up, we are willing to do just about anything to survive, begging this nightmare to stop.
The truth is we still have to work to earn a living. Life goes on, but this time, each time we make a step, we are more cautious. The establishments that are strong before the pandemic are now temporarily closed and some of them are going bankrupt. The ones that are still open are essential businesses. What is in high demand now are items like canning and preservation, safety supplies and even firearms . Hard to find are PPES, disinfectants, vitamins. It’s still supply vs demand, we cannot control the prices of commodities. We feel that we are paying more and the products are overpriced. . Going outside to get food and supplies is now a challenge. We have to keep our guard up. We can’t take any chances.
We keep playing worst case scenarios in our head. We hear horror stories of how people catching the virus, end up with a scarred lung, or on a ventilator. Even worse, you hear about those who’s lifeless bodies are forgotten, because unfortunately, they didn’t having the option to resuscitate because of unforseen circumstances. Those who survive will get a insurmountable hospital bill that will send you to back to the hospital due to a broken heart. You are preparing your last will and testament and hope that you have a life insurance that is enough for the loved ones that are left behind. Nobody signed up for getting sick. What if I get sick? what if I bring the virus to my family? to other people?
What if I cannot afford to pay my bills? What if the grocery stores ran out of meat? The hand sanitizers, the vitamins are flying off the shelves. Cleaning and disinfecting supplies are overpriced. We think there is a conspiracy and that only the fittest will survive.What if, because of this lack of basic commodities, people will resort to crime and stealing. Paranoia sets in. It’s a scary situation. Do we have no other choice but to accept the lesser evil?
It is not in our plan to be laid off. That we will no longer afford the high health insurance rates that is already unaffordable to begin with. I thank God that we don’t have to use it, but if we do I hope God will give us the strength to overcome whatever hardships we face.
I pray more when I am panicking. Sometimes, I let my emotions control my decisions, without thinking it through. I have doubts and guilt. Did I do the right thing over and over.God help me do the right thing. I whine when things doesn’t go my way. Am I righteous enough that, I deserve the good things in life? Maybe God is directing me but I am not listening? Is my heart already hardened and numb?
I feel sorry for myself, I think I have failed over and over, I thank God for second chances, to be able to bounce back after you fall multiple times. When things are doing great, I forgot to pray and thank Him. I am thankful that God is not giving up on me.
Our God is a just and merciful and compassionate God. He promises that He will take care of our needs even before we ask for it. He forgive us when we are unworthy, because of the precious blood of Jesus. ” If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”-Luke 11:13.
We try not to judge our neighbor, we try to do the right thing, when nobody’s watching and we try to accept when things when it doesn’t go our way, as it should be. Often times , I doubt and fail. When things are not going like we planned it, I blame it on situations that I can control, I blame everything. Pride dims my sight.
There is nothing for free, everything comes with a price. We think people are getting free stuff. We think we deserve things that others have. Those who are eligible are getting unemployment benefits. We think it’s unfair that those abled bodies who didn’t work a day in their lives are receiving government support. I feel sad for people like me that are not eligible for unemployment benefits, but I accept what the law entails. I feel entitled to have things because I think that I deserve it because as a law abiding citizen, I paid my dues, but it doesn’t go that way. I feel sorry for those who worked hard but barely getting by, and still are at risk by working because there is no other choice. I pray for those who are hurting right now. The uncertain time brings about the biggest challenge in our lives. We pray for the people in the government to be God fearing.
As anonymous quote goes “Modern Slaves are not in chains, they are in debt”, if debt wasn’t in the equation, people will think more rational. The truth is we live in a fallen world. We never win on this endless hamster wheel. .We will still find life unfulfilling, until we find a job that will give us purpose, until we found that right person we like, until we have enough. The more, I trust in my own capabilities, the more I realize that I am leaning towards the idols of my life. Until we surrender our dreams, goals to the one true God, He will guide our way through all the plot twists and turns, through the hills and valleys, for He is who He is.
Contemplating on my thirty something years on earth, made me evaluate my life in general. As I googled away (yes…to me, the quickest way to find answers to life’s pressing questions is google!), midlife crisis and existential crisis came up to my attention.
Not having any major health issues, having a nice home, a stable paying job, a loving husband, an energetic son and supportive parents, i thought i have it made. That my future is secure.
I am pretty contented with my life until I start questioning my self… is there more to life? Do I merely exist to take care of my son and do my wifely duties, eat, work, pay bills, sleep ,wash, rinse and repeat?
Well, again I don’t have the answers still at that point. Skimming through some self-help books, talking to relatives and old friends and gathering information online were a quick emotional fix and wasn’t really much of an help. It made me feel emptier and more lost. Feeling of resentment, disappointment and discontentment ensued, more whys and what-ifs questions arose. It left me wondering, day dreaming and detached from reality…
What I really found out during my searching was that I am living with a purpose…A reason to live and to live life to the fullest.
When someone asks, are you living to just to exist or are you truly living life, what is your response?