• Insanity


    Did you ever had the feeling when suddenly your heart starts racing, chest pounding, and you find yourself restless and gasping for breath, a feeling like your mind is detaching from your physical body? You want to scream on top of your lungs but you cannot utter a sound.

    Even simple tasks like showering and grooming becomes unbearable. You refuse to get out of bed. Wanting to sleep and waste the whole day away. It’s not because you want to be lazy. It seems it’s the only way to feel better. But the cycle continues. You feel even worse than before.

    You refuse to go out of the house. You are afraid of the uncertainty. You miss work and procrastinate. Yo do not care about the due dates anymore.

    Your feel that your health is failing. That the foods you eat are destroying your body.

    You feel that youth is slowly drifting away, Your body is deteriorating day by day. There is no time to change.

    The things that you enjoy doing don’t interest you anymore.

    You feel that you are doing nothing right.

    You feel that no one cares. Every body is against you. You don’t care about yourself.

    There is a massive burden in your chest that you need to unload.

    These thoughts are controlling my mind.

    It feels paralyzing.

    That you want whatever it is, to end soon.

    I feel defeated.

    But Then…

    I forgot how God brought me out from the pits of desperation. I forgot how God nursed my soul from brokenness. I forgot how God saved me from my self-destruction.

    I felt the breaths of life entering from my nostrils back to sanity. As if God knew what I needed this time. I felt your spirit from a person who underwent a difficult situation. To be courageous after a defeat lies the true strength.

    When there was no way out, you led me to an open door. You nourished my body back to health. I feel the vigor rushing back to my senses. I regained the will to go on.  Forgive me Lord for ever doubting your presence.

    Thank you for saving me from myself.



  • Sealed With a Kiss (SWAK)

    I don’t remember when the last time I received a hand written letter send via mail.  If you are a 90s or 80s gal like me,  receiving a cassette tape or CD  with all your cherished love songs , a scrapbook with witty captions, and scribbled notes will always bring nostalgia. 

    I don’t remember when the last time I received a hand written letter send via mail.  If you are a 90s or 80s gal like me,  receiving a cassette tape or CD  with all your cherished love songs , a scrapbook with witty captions, and scribbled notes will always bring feelings of nostalgia.

    In this modern era, emails, texts, e-cards replaced traditional love letters, hallmark cards. Like the old cliche goes, is it really the thought that counts? It is nice to feel extra special when being thought of, and any effort big or small is appreciated, in my opinion.

    Whenever I think of valentine’s day, I remember the innocent childhood days. We had our crushes and wrote love letters anonymously, hoping that they know that you existed. We didn’t even want them to reply, we were just content admiring them from a far.

    In high school, strong impulses and irrational behavior accompanies raging hormones with puberty. For many, we experienced having our so called first love and first heart break during those years.  During the month of February AKA the love month, we had fundraising events for our school.  I remember we had kissing booths, auctions and proms. What I look forward to every year was sending letters through a SWAK mail. The mechanics of the program is that you can anonymously send your love letters for a cost.

    The letter folded in a certain way would always be signed by: Your Secret Admirer. I remember sending them to random people just for fun.  My bonker brain didn’t know how to react when I received a letter with the initials of a boy I liked. I had poor self-esteem during that time and didn’t answer the letter back.

    Fast forward twenty years, it’s that time of the year again. I look forward to my son’s classroom valentines exchange. Being a frugal non-crafty mom, I usually get the boxed valentines when they be on sale the year before. Do you ever have that moment when you cannot find where you put away stuff?   Last year, we had oriental trading lego hearts goodie bags for my son’s special education class. This year, they have more kids in his class which is good because he gets to socialize with neurotypical kids. My son is very fond of his only friend who is a girl. Im just ecstatic that he had made a friend.


    We all have some funny, unforgettable, embarrassing, romantic valentine memories. I am excited to hear your stories too. Please leave a comment below. XOXO



  • The Butterfly effect

    0B8B0B26-8AC4-4378-A703-3B68D0E60D6F.jpegHave you ever wondered how one’s outcome will change, if you had done things differently? I truly believe that our actions have a effect on the people that we encountered. If  we done a favor for someone, would it make them feel good about it? If we are always negative and pessimistic, won’t we become a source of grief to our close friends and loved ones?

    The Butterfly effect phenomena was coined by meteorologist and mathematician Edward Lorenz. The idea that the flapping of the butterfly’s wings could make tiny changes in the atmosphere and can have a ripple effect and can produce a tornado somewhere else.

    There are consequences to every decision we make. Some of it is immediate, and some are lasting. The impact that we make in peoples lives may be significant. The chain off events lead to an outcome may it be good or bad.

    There are several times that I encountered mishaps that could’ve been prevented. Being up all night browsing the internet on the phone lead to waking up tired in the morning. And running late to drop the kid to school in morning rush lead to a speeding ticket. At first I was in denial, I justified my actions and after I acknowledge the mistake. I did not let the bad moment ruin the rest of my day.

    There are also instances that there have been unfortunate events that are avoided just being on the right time on the right place. A fatal car crash just minutes before you changed lanes. A spare key that you have, after you have been accidentally locked out of your house. Some events can be blessings in disguise. Being fired from a stressful job, only to find a a better job that is more productive.

    One of our close friend’s relatives went missing for few days after a hike. A few days later, his body was recovered near the river. The autopsy report said that he became disoriented in the snowstorm. No one is prepared for these kind of tragedy. My heart goes to the family.

    Everyday, we have choices to make. From the moment we wake up until we lay ourselves to sleep. We can make a difference in one persons life. People who we know and don’t know can leave footprints our path too.  All things happen according to a divine plan.

  • Blessed to be stressed

    The holiday celebration is the most wonderful time of the year they say. Ironically, it is the most stressful time of the year for many if not all. It can be emotionally, mentally, physically draining. Why do the supposed to be happiest time brings a lot of frustration, expectations and aggravation to many.

    To have a smiling family with immaculately wrapped gifts surrounding a Christmas tree,a picture perfect table arrangement, would make a good face book profile picture. I truly admire those people who can pull it off without loosing their sanity.  It only happen once a year and we would expect it to be joyous occasion. Like most people suffer with anxiety, it is difficult to focus in the moment. The warm fuzzy feeling doesn’t last very long. Im glad that those fleeting feelings and emotions like the holidays came fast and gone.

    The feelings of inadequacy intensifies during the holidays. Not having a significant other, not having enough money, not having children, not having a good relationship with family, not having good health or missing your love one who passed brings us feelings of despair and hopelessness. It is difficult to focus on what we have because we focus on the things we loss and do not have. For some, the holidays are days are endured and survived.

    The holidays can be a time for reflection and grieving for all the things our heart longed for. Even for one day, on Christmas Day, can we try to forget the ugly and look at the things that make us happy. To have a child like attitude and to feel like a child again.  When I look at my son, as he opened his presents, he did not look at the price tags, the designer labels or who gave the biggest or more expensive gift, he genuinely is happy. He played with his toys and be as happy as he can be. Oh what fun it is. He is winning at life! At the end of the day, he still treasures his pieces of paper that he cut, writes and plays with.

    All the good things come from our good Lord. The feelings of bitterness, jealousy, resentment, grudge and guilt should not harbor our hearts. God’s unconditional love give us unwavering hope that we can live our best life. The presents that we continue to  unwrap everyday and not just Christmas Day are many things tangible and intangible meant to be enjoyed and shared.




  • When Bad Things happen

    Frantic thoughts came rushing through my head as I lay on the paper covered plinth undergoing an abdominal ultrasound. It will take a few days to get the test results of the lab work, my mind is still in agony, waiting of it. I am nervous, what if the result turned out to be what I don’t want it to be?

    Life as we know, is full of detours, rocky roads, flat tires. We are not immune to bad circumstances. Sickness, unfortunate events happen. What do we do if we feel like we have enough, after one bad thing happens, another struggle comes shortly.

    I just want to share an incident that happened a three weeks ago, I got stopped by a police officers due to a traffic violation. Honestly, things happened so fast, that I was unsure if I did something wrong. My mind was foggy and cluttered that day, and the incident is not something I am thankful for. It was a hefty fine that I have to suck it up and pay. Instead of being mad, I admit it was my fault, the officer was shocked that I even thanked him for giving me a ticket. I was dying inside.

    This thanksgiving week, I accidentally misplaced my credit card. I was going to loose my mind knowing I left it in the busiest mall. I went back, not hoping that it will be there. I was amazed that somebody found it and returned it to the store.


    0523DFA4-FFA0-4DE0-8B0E-34210140B47FWe can either feel sad or feel hopeful that we are experiencing turmoil in our lives. What is the lesson that this experience is trying to teach me? Will this incident drag me down or pull me up? Will I learn something positive from it? I will move on and when I look back, things will be looked in a different perspective.

    I asked God why didn’t He stop these things from happening? To please remove the thorns from my chest. The weight and the problem is still there. Only God knows why He put these stumbling blocks to my path.  I thank God for them for I learn one thing is that I can’t do it alone.

    I can’t undo the situation, the clumsiness, the recklessness, the selfishness all of them were issues that I still struggled with. When the bad things happen, there are also silver linings attached to it. Sometimes we have to look harder if we can’t see them at first.

    First we have to acknowledge the situation. We can’t ignore a bad situation, thinking it will go away on its own. It will get only worse if we don’t think of a solution.

    A mounting debt will force you to find ways to be productive.

    Illness always force you to adapt a healthy lifestyle and behaviour

    Bad things motivates you to change your view into an optimistic outlook

    It brings you to appreciate what you have and what you are capable of doing.

    You become wiser if some difficult issues arises again you will be ready to handle it.

    A broken relationship leads to mending and a stronger ties

    Bad things that happen reminds you to become humble at all times.

    Most importantly, we realize is a need of change in us, for the best, otherwise we wouldn’t know it.

    As an article suggests: instead of labeling things as bad, pose as opportunities for growth and challenges.

    A change of mindset will truly make a difference.


  • On coffee and habits

    I have a confession to make. I didn’t drink coffee until a few days ago, two days ago to be exact. And now I am getting addicted!

    Why don’t I like coffee before? What’s not to like? the aroma of freshly brewed coffee which is inviting to the senses. I thought coffee would make me jittery, shaky, nervous and pee a lot. Well, I was wrong. Lately, I have been assuming a lot of things wrongly.

    I finally made it to the doctor after years of neglecting my health, having high blood symptoms, headaches and anxiety. The blood tests revealed that I am also pre-diabetic and have elevated levels of protein in my blood. Years of sedentary living and poor eating habits has finally caught up with me. I have been in denial for a long time. I have been googling away my symptoms and it brought more fear in my mind.  Doctor’s visits are scary because you get to learn about a lot of things wrong with you other that the problems that you went there for in the first place.

    It’s a relief because it is not to late to start taking care of yourself to prevent the detrimental damage that can occur to your organs.  We are always taught to drink at least 8 glasses of water daily, eat plenty of fiber, be active and avoid processed foods ,but I never take it to heart until I had these health concerns. Being in my late 30s, I never thought I would be taking medications at an early age. I am thankful that the medications are making the symptoms go away. I am mindful now on deciding what goes inside my body. I also learned that some supplements should be taken with caution.

    It read in an article that it takes approximately 21 days to form a habit, good or bad, and it  should be maintained for 90 days to produce a lasting effect. Doing fitness activities that involve the family or a companion would reap more benefits that doing it alone. Lately, me and my family have been taking walks in the trails in 40 degree weather which wasn’t too bad.


    Having someone who will motivate and not judge your eating habits would create a positive attitude and accountability.

    There is no day better to start than the present day to make healthy habits.  As we look forward to the holidays, I need to remind myself to make better choices today and the days to come.


  • Dream Cake Craze

    79E300F7-89E3-421A-AF7D-A71302FF07F38D6DD977-2850-4248-A9C4-A1DCA56AF87DA Feast to the eyes and palate, the ultimate Dream cake in tin can is a must try for chocolate lovers.  Indulge with layers of gooey decadent sweet chocolate with right amount of sweetness that will send a burst of sensation as you taste it’s melt in your mouth chocolatey goodness.

    The desert is packaged in a tin can perfect for gifting that is dusted with semi-sweet cocoa powder or topped with chocolate bits or nuts. It has layers of moist chocolate cake ganache and smooth chocolate  pudding.

    Why not try this drool worthy Dream cake everyone is talking about. For more information: #Hael’sKitchenetteDreamCake

  • Affirming Self-Positivity in a Negative World

    863C2325-CC7C-405B-A4BD-4C0835C71A33.jpegWe made it!  We can make it through  another week, another day, another hour, another second. We are conquering our demons, our fears one baby step at a time. For someone who just had been through one of the lowest point in their lives one point or another, I think we both deserve a pat on a back.

    What exactly are affirmations? According to dictionary.com, It is a form of self-forced meditation or repetition. It is a mantra that we assert and we want to believe to be true in our lives. The main purpose is to provide encouragement, change a bad habit, to help achieve your best self. It is focusing on the positive outcome to reach your potential.

    Lately, Ive been struggling to find motivation. I have been reading and searching for inspirational quotes that will uplift and alter my anxious state. It seems like I have to drag my feet to get out of bed, to get a jumpstart during the week. Stressing and worrying seems to get the best of me. No matter how many positive thoughts and sayings that I read, it still didn’t make me change my thought process.

    What I realize is that these affirmations are only effective if you believe in that they can work in your life.  These are the personal goals that are first pictured in your mind and then put into action. It maybe wishful thinking, but with a realistic goal that can be attained. Having a positive mind frame have a huge impact in our decision making process.

    There are a lot of negative thoughts that I daily struggle with. These are the small wars in our minds that we fight within ourselves.  Every battles no matter how big or small,we can conquer them.  Small things such as getting out of the house, finishing a chore, crossing out a to do list is an achievement for some. Our mountains to scale and climb maybe different to others but it doesn’t lessen your potential to overcome the hurdles.

    Some of my favorite mantras are:

    Love yourself-your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual well-being is very important

    Keep moving forward – Walt Disney

    Challenges make me stronger as a person

    I am content with my life-my relationships,  my job, myself

    I see myself as a work in progress.

    “I am only one, but I am still one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. – Helen Keller

    I nourish my body with healthy food, exercise and healthy thoughts.

    I am unique.

    I am enough.

    I am worthy.

    God loves me unconditionally.


    Do you have any positive affirmations that you like to share? I would like to hear your thoughts in the comments. Stay positive!

  • Unrequited love

    E0B52123-E402-4993-889B-0E7DDBD02CAC.jpegYour rugged looks and rustic charms is what drew me to you. Like a moth to a flame, the taste of your lips is an addiction to me. Your stares would always give a fluttering in my stomach.  The simple touch of your hand sends a signal all over my spine. Your caring ways makes me feel special . I would like to have the courage to admit that I had love you since day one. I still remember how your embrace is  comforting like a safe shelter on a rainy day. When I’m with you, my whole world seems to be on a stand still. Your imperfections what made me fall in love with you even more and more.  I would have still be loving you silently from a far even if you were near. But I had stopped praying that there would be an us. To be in love with the person of your dreams is most beautiful and yet saddest thing when you know the relationship would never  be real.  I should’t be feeling the madness that I have for you. My heart still skips a beat when ever I stare at my phone . My heart secretly long that one day I will receive a text with your name on it. Your my escape, away from reality. A drug and an obsession. A secret fantasy that I wish I could runaway, just me and you.  My love for you will be a faded memory washed away from the distant shore in the passage of time.

  • Should’ve beens

    BF958BFB-3178-4B49-A4AE-8A899C990601.jpegWe all had our fair share of lost love and heart breaks. Do you still remember how it is to be young and in love? When nothing else can come between you and the person you love? First loves.

    There are times when I think about us. Where there times how you envision what a perfect date would’ve been.

    Rekindled romances…I don’t know if it will be meant to be. Would passion be the same as first? Would the spark of familiarity still ensue? . Will part of history still repeats itself?

    So you search his/her name on Facebook. As you browse his/her profile.

    What was left was an emptiness.

    There were reasons why I didn’t hear from you, of course  the timing wasn’t right, we had to pursue our dreams.  You have to own your responsibilities.

    If only we were meant to be.

    The recurring dream I have was that of you being on the end of the aisle waiting for your bride. Her face glowed as she looked at her dashing groom. When you kissed a part of me wish I was her.

    I remembered how you always love to have kids.

    You may have a kid or two by now. They will have the same bright eyes and your smile. I wish they were mines.

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